Deacon Derrick: Do you love your smartphone more than your spouse? Do texting, scrolling and posting take priority over your partner?
New statistics say they do. “Exploding Topics,” a website for emerging trends and recommended by LinkedIn, discovered that people check their smartphones 58 times a day to read or send text messages and emails and to scroll and post on social media. This accounts for four hours and 37 minutes a day. As technology has become more and more pervasive it has crept into every relationship we have, including our marriages.
Mistianna: The time we spend on our smartphones has limited face-to-face conversations between spouses. It has created a communication deficit in today’s marriages. Sadly, the average couple talks to each other less than three minutes a day. Yes, that’s right, less than three minutes.
Playing Family Feud, listening to Audible and texting with my girlfriends are at times preferable to talking with Derrick. There are times I’d rather watch hilarious animal reels than engage in frank, sometimes uncomfortable, conversations that are needed in marriage. However, our marriage deserves more than three minutes of “Hi,” “Hello,” and “How was your day” as Derrick and I pass each other in the hallway.
Deacon Derrick: The person you married is the most important person in your life! Intentionally making time for them is paramount for a healthy and happy marriage. In our marriage, we often remind ourselves to put down our smartphones and be present to one another. To do this Mistianna and I developed “couch time.” This is a planned time every day, unplugged from distractions, where we are present to one another for 20 minutes.
During couch time, no computers, tablets or TVs are allowed to be used. You must be completely free from distractions, completely unplugged. This means putting down your smartphones. Multi-tasking is not allowed! If you have children let them know this time is important to mom and dad and that they are investing in their marriage. This not only will deter interruptions but will also model healthy marital practices.
Mistianna: While date nights keep the spark in our marriage, couch time is our marital lifeline. It holds Derrick and I accountable to our wedding vow of “forsaking all others.” In truth, putting Derrick and our marriage first, before everyone and everything else, is a hard vow to live out, especially today, when “all others” includes not only infidelity, but also work and work commitments; aging parents; and kids and their after-school and travel team activities.
Smartphone usage can also create unfaithfulness in marriage. In my mind, saying “all others” isn’t exclusive to the “hot” new neighbor or co-worker that looks like Chris Hemsworth or Scarlett Johansson; it also includes Siri and even Alexa.
Deacon Derrick: Making our spouse our #1 priority, above all but God, requires a concerted effort. To give them our undivided attention, we need to make unplugging from technology an intentional part of our day. It needs to become a habit. To develop a habit, it takes 14 days of repetition to make any act a routine.
I challenge every couple to practice couch time for the next two weeks. Spend 20 intentional minutes a day, together and unplugged from technology, allowing you to plug into your relationship and recharge it. Don’t allow your marital battery to drain to a dangerously low level, or you will be scrambling to plug in and save your marriage.
Charge your battery now — invest the time! Show the world that you love your spouse more than your smartphone.
Deacon Derrick and Mistianna Barnes are the Marriage Prep Coordinators for the Archdiocese of Louisville. They created the Marriage Ministry Program at St. Margaret Mary Church.
Excellent topic. After 52 years of marriage, I find twenty minutes of conversation can be as challenging as 20 minutes of meditation. Our constant “pinging” doesn’t help. Thanks for reminder of focusing on the importance of communication between a married couple.