The holiday season can be a highly anticipated time of year. But for those who have suffered the loss of a loved one — especially in the past year — the holidays can be challenging, said Deacon Scott Hedges, a psychiatrist.
“Sensory reminders” of times spent with loved ones in the past fill the holiday season and can “intensify the feeling of grief,” said Deacon Hedges, who serves at the Shrine of St. Martin of Tours. Anything from the notes of a favorite Christmas carol to a particular food or smell can “stir memories of people that we have lost.”
“Our brains and our souls naturally pair or couple those sensory experiences with our emotional memories. Grief can feel all the more poignant and sharpened as we remember those experiences,” he said.
Social expectations and personal expectations can also increase the stress of the grieving during the holidays, he said.
“The challenge is walking that fine line of practicing hope without forcing cheerfulness in the process. To practice hope without forcing cheerfulness starts with allowing ourselves to grieve. We can recognize that we feel lost in grief; we can recognize that we have suffering in our lives. But also recognize that this is a time of year when the church places before us expectation.”
— Deacon Scott Hedges
“Christmas is perceived as a time of warmth or togetherness or family or celebration. And when someone is grieving, or they are sad, the contrast between what they feel on the inside and what they see on the outside can create a dissonance,” he said.
Several parishes in the Archdiocese of Louisville offer gatherings to support those who are grieving during the holiday season. People often come to the gatherings in the early years of their loss, said Denise Ruiz, who serves as pastoral care coordinator at St. Margaret Mary Church. The parish hosted a gathering for grieving individuals in November this year.
The first year after a loss is often a “year of firsts” as those grieving learn to navigate annual celebrations, she said. Holiday support gatherings — like the one offered annually at St. Margaret Mary — can affirm those who are grieving that their experiences are normal, she said.
Facilitators often tell those gathered, “You have permission to do things differently.” This helps those grieving “let go of the expectation that it’s going to be just like it was before” the loss, Ruiz said.
They are encouraged to reflect on how they want to approach the holidays and anticipate how they’d like to handle invitations and traditions, she said.
Those who are grieving can benefit from approaching the holidays with “gentleness” and “mercy” towards themselves, said Deacon Hedges.
When grief is fresh, it’s okay to approach the season in “a different way,” he said.
“It helps to set up realistic expectations. Maybe this year, you simplify your decorations. Maybe you decide not to go to the company party. Maybe you decide to keep things small or slow.”
Those grieving can also practice the virtue of hope, which doesn’t equate to dismissing their experience of grief, he said.
“The challenge is walking that fine line of practicing hope without forcing cheerfulness in the process. To practice hope without forcing cheerfulness starts with allowing ourselves to grieve. We can recognize that we feel lost in grief; we can recognize that we have suffering in our lives. But also recognize that this is a time of year when the church places before us expectation.”
There are several ways to “practice hope” by bringing one’s loved one into the liturgical seasons of Advent and Christmas, he said.
Here are some suggestions to consider, he said:
- Offer a Mass for them during Advent or Christmas.
- Include their names in Advent prayers.
- Light a candle for the deceased at your parish.
- Visit their grave during the season.
- Put a photo or memento by the creche or on the tree.
- Pray a rosary for their soul each week of Advent.
- Write a letter to the deceased and place it under the creche or a statue of Mary.
Turning to the sacraments can also help the grieving, said Deacon Hedges.
“Allow the sacraments to hold you,” he said. “Daily Masses can be a great place for quiet healing.” And reconciliation “can bring peace to your restless heart.”
Ruiz provided some practical ways for family members and friends to support people who are grieving.
- Share stories of the deceased. “Sometimes people avoid talking about the deceased person; they won’t mention their name. And that makes it even more lonely,” she said, adding that it can be comforting to talk about the loved one.
- Honor the deceased at a holiday gathering. During a celebration, the host can acknowledge a loss by lighting a candle in their honor or saying an additional prayer for their soul.
- Give those grieving compassion and grace. “It’s okay if someone starts crying, and it’s okay if someone needs to leave,” said Ruiz. “We don’t always know how it (grief) is going to hit us.”
