Mistianna: Derrick and I never discussed the fact that he was an early bird and I was a night owl before we married. Why would we? It’s not like it would negatively impact our marriage, right? Wrong. When couples have different sleep schedules and mismatched sleep patterns, conflicts materialize, understanding and acceptance of each other flies out the window, and feelings get hurt. Which is what has played out in our marriage.
Deacon Derrick: I’m an early bird; a die-hard morning person. I wake up between 4 and 5 a.m. I like to see the sunrise, drink my coffee and enjoy the solitude of the morning. Since I get up early, by 10 p.m., I’m ready for bed. Whereas Mistianna is just getting her second wind; wants to discuss important issues; and can’t wait to “party all night long.” Arguments arise since I don’t remember agreeing to decisions or purchases that we discussed after 10 p.m. Further, I have no desire to stay out past ten and want to leave just when Mistianna starts to really enjoy herself. You may not believe this, but I’ve even fallen asleep at a concert.
Mistianna: I’m a night owl. Unlike Derrick, I loathe mornings! Sunset and nighttime are my prime times. I climb into bed around 2:30 a.m. and wake up around ten o’clock each morning. Once my alarm does go off; I hit “snooze” at least three times before I get out of bed. Then, I need a minimum of 30 minutes to wake up before I can have a conversation or make any decisions. Arguments occur when Derrick wants to share important news; talk about a date he’s added to the calendar or discuss an important matter prior to 10 a.m. He gets annoyed when I can’t process what he’s saying and stare at him as if I were a deer in headlights. Unlike Derrick, I am neither pleasant nor cheerful when I first wake up in the morning.
Deacon Derrick: Growing up, my parents viewed hitting the snooze button as lazy and poor time management. This deeply rooted value fuels my frustration with Mistianna when she hits “snooze” so many times that she sleeps until noon despite plans we’ve made to get up early and work on household projects. Especially if I canceled an event or didn’t volunteer for something I really enjoy doing because I already made a commitment to my beautiful bride. Further, I see red when we have a morning event, and Mistianna’s love for the snooze button makes us late. I get so angry and frustrated with her for making us late that we end up arguing; feelings get hurt; tears are shed; and neither one of us enjoys the event.
Mistianna: As you can see, being married to an early bird when you’re a night owl can be challenging and vice versa. But couples who have different sleep schedules can exist in harmony. You just need to establish healthy boundaries that protect your marriage. For us, that meant creating house rules we both could abide by. One such rule is the 10/10 Rule. Which prevents us from making important decisions and costly purchases after 10 p.m. and prior to 10 a.m. This allows us to come to the table clear headed and able to have a true, two-way discussion.
Deacon Derrick: As an early bird who married a night owl, I can honestly say it takes constant communication and compromise to live with someone who has a different sleep pattern than you do. Sometimes, Mistianna and I find ourselves passing like ships in the night. She’s coming to bed as I’m getting up. Instead of being judgmental about each other’s sleep schedule, we kiss in the darkness. We know it’s okay to be on different ships during the night, if we intentionally connect sometime during the hours we’re both awake. So as Shel Silverstein said, “Oh, if you’re a bird, be an early bird and catch the worm for your breakfast plate. But if you’re a worm, sleep late.”
The Barnes serve at St. Margaret Mary Church and blog about marriage at sacredmessymarriage.com.
