On Nov. 9, 19 blessed candles were lit during a Mass of Remembrance at St. Louis Bertrand Church, 1104 S. 6th St. Each candle, labeled with a child’s name, represented a loss.
About 50 people — including family members and siblings of the deceased — gathered at the third annual Mass. It was sponsored by the Archdiocese of Louisville’s Office of Family and Life Ministries and the Louisville chapter of Red Bird Ministries, a national Catholic grief support ministry for people who have lost a child.
Red Bird Ministries’ “overall mission is to experience healing through the sacraments of the Church,” said Kathleen Byrnes, who leads the Louisville chapter of the Red Bird Grief Group.
The Mass remembers children who have died from miscarriage, infant loss or adult loss, she said. Byrnes, who has experienced loss, said the Mass provides parents “a tangible way to reflect on their child” and “a moment to seek peace in their loss.”
The Mass joined its prayers with the pope’s November prayer intention — for those who have lost a child.
In a video released by the Pope’s Worldwide Prayer Network on Oct. 31, Pope Francis said, “When one spouse loses the other, they are a widower or a widow. A child who loses a parent is an orphan. There’s a word for that. But when a parent loses a child, there’s no word. The pain is so great that there’s no word.”
Dominican Father Bartholomew Calvano, associate pastor of St. Louis Bertrand and the celebrant of the Mass, noted that people expect to bury their parents, but when parents experience the loss of a child, the grief is often heavier and longer than grief from other losses.
“Come to funerals. Support those who are grieving. Make them a meal, bring them a dinner, those sorts of things. Offer Masses for those who have died. Having a Mass card sent saying that you have had a Mass offered can mean a lot.”
— Dominican Father Bartholomew Calvano
He reflected on what grieving families experience and offered practical tips for people who want to support a grieving family.
For many parents, grief “takes time and reoccurs at anniversaries,” said Father Calvano. Masses of Remembrance can help parents move through the grief process, he said.
The Mass helps grieving parents to grieve within their communities, he said. Grief is often kept private, and those who have experienced loss can feel excluded or outcast from their communities — even though loss, especially loss in pregnancy, is common, he said.
“So often, this kind of loss, especially with miscarriages, is kept quiet. To be able to mourn your child in a public setting is an important part” of grief, he said.
The Mass also provides an occasion for the community to support the families, he said.
“It’s a spiritual work of mercy to pray for the dead. It’s a corporal work of mercy to bury the dead,” he said. Grief has become more private than it used to be, but communities need to learn how to grieve together again, he said.
“Come to funerals. Support those who are grieving. Make them a meal, bring them a dinner, those sorts of things. Offer Masses for those who have died. Having a Mass card sent saying that you have had a Mass offered can mean a lot,” he said.
Byrnes noted that “acknowledgement of loss is a huge thing.”
“Grief is so delicate and some people don’t know how” to journey with those who are experiencing it, she said. “Walk with people that you love. And don’t try to fix it.”
In his homily, Father Calvano told the grieving families, “The Father in heaven loves you. He loves your children. God does not forget any one of his children, any one of your children.”
He told the parents to share their grief with God.
“Grief is exhausting. God is asking you to share that burden — yes, with those here, with the Church, but most of all with God.”
Parents who have experienced a loss can have hope, he said. “Grief will not pass away here,” he said. “But it does have an end.”
Red Bird Ministries welcomes individuals across the archdiocese for its monthly grief group. This month, the group will meet on Nov. 20 from 6 p.m. to 7 p.m. in the heritage room at St. Louis Bertrand Church. Contact kdbhyland@gmail.com for more information.
