A Time to Speak – When a thinker marries a feeler

Deacon Derrick and Mistianna Barnes

Deacon Derrick:  In marriage, opposites often attract. As we prepare couples for marriage, we frequently find that one is a “thinker,” guided by logic, and one is a “feeler,” guided by emotion.  According to the Myers-Briggs Personality Assessment, there is an even balance of “thinkers” and “feelers” in marriage, including our marriage.

Mistianna: I’m a feeler! Facts and logic have little impact on the decisions I make. Instead, my decisions are based on emotions and empathy. I weigh the outcome against the emotional costs those decisions will have on me and my relationships. 

While Derrick understands I have BIG feelings, they still bamboozle him. My BIG feelings often trip his logical circuit breakers, causing him to get overwhelmed and disengage. That’s when I assume the persona of the “librarian.” 

The “Librarian” is a fictional person I created to help me be a more empathetic and understanding spouse. She gives me the confidence to leave my comfort zone and communicate with Derrick using direct and factual reasoning. As the “librarian,” I stop worrying about how I might hurt Derrick’s feelings. That allows me to share my viewpoints more honestly when Derrick and I make joint decisions.

Deacon Derrick: Joe Friday said it best in “Dragnet:” Just the facts ma’am. 

If I were to have a mantra in my life that would be it. When faced with decisions, I remove emotions and instead use logic and facts. I’m a thinker and always lead with my head. I need to understand “why” things are done. 

Mistianna created her “librarian” persona to blend her emotions with my desire to use logic. I am thankful she did! Despite years of marriage, when some of Mistianna’s BIG feelings come out, I still am not sure how to handle them. 

The “librarian” has helped us communicate more effectively and make decisions we both can support. While it’s not always easy, we found that by being open to each other’s decision-making process we have grown closer as a couple and have begun to understand what drives the other.  

Mistianna: Let’s get real, while we both try to understand the other’s point of view, Derrick is still a thinker and I’m still a feeler. 

As opposites, we’re going to disagree, passionately. Derrick and I have met often on the battlefield of decision-making. Battle lines get drawn as we each strive to make the other understand why our way of thinking is the best way. 

Arguments arise as my need to not hurt others’ feelings clashes with Derrick’s desire to be straightforward and tell the hard, cold truth. 

While Derrick focuses on the best way to solve a problem, I am more socially aware and have great empathy for others. So, I focus on the emotional outcome of the decision. 

Our differences have resulted in battlefields bloody with hurt feelings and a lack of understanding of the other at their core. The good news is we are both constantly working to better understand each other and give the gift of grace. 

Deacon Derrick: Despite the battles Mistianna and I have fought, we both are winning the war. 

While Mistianna and I are opposites, we complement one another. Where I am blind, Mistianna can see. Where she is deaf, I can hear. And this is where we round each other out. While there are times when we both wish the other person would change and be more like them; that will never happen. 

If I’m honest, I do not want to be married to someone just like myself. After living with Mistianna for 29 years, the prospect seems boring. I prefer my opposite: the passionate, caring, empathetic, and BIG-feeling woman I fell in love with and married. 

While I still struggle to understand her “BIG” feelings, the “thinker” has learned from the “feeler.” Mistianna has opened my eyes to how consideration needs to be given to those who are impacted by our decisions. 

Our spouses always have things to teach us, we just need to open our eyes. In your relationship, I encourage you to appreciate your “thinker” or “feeler;” and learn from them what you may be blind to seeing.

Deacon Derrick and Mistianna Barnes are the Marriage Prep Coordinators for the Archdiocese of Louisville. They created the Marriage Ministry Program at St. Margaret Mary Church.

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