It’s important to love your spouse the way they need to be loved.
Mistianna: Most of us have heard something about the “Five Love Languages.” The belief that we express and receive love in one of five languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Gary Chapman, who developed this idea, believes we all place some value on each love language, but there’s a primary language that speaks to us most. Unfortunately, many couples don’t speak the same love language. Derrick and I are no different.
Deacon Derrick: For years, Mistianna and I loved each other in our own love language. Even though we were deeply in love, we didn’t feel loved by each other all the time. We were speaking to each other in a foreign language and not in the language of love we each needed. At times, this had a deleterious effect on our marriage. It caused a lot of hurt feelings, misunderstandings and resentment. Mistianna failed to feel the love I was offering at the best of times and was offended at the worst of times.
Mistianna: Receiving gifts is my love language. Gifts big or small, expensive or handmade, for me, symbolize love. While I’d never turn down a diamond necklace or a new Louis Vuitton purse, the value of the gift lies in its thoughtfulness, not its price. When Derrick stops to buy me flowers after he’s spent all day at church, I feel important to him. I feel cherished when he takes time to write a love note, leaving it on my pillow for me to find when I wake up. Whether he brings me a favorite treat, purchases me credits on audible or makes me breakfast in bed, Derrick puts time and thought into giving me everyday gifts that make me feel seen, heard and deeply loved.
Deacon Derrick: I require “words of affirmation” to feel loved. Nothing makes me feel more valued than Mistianna telling me I’m a good provider, a loving husband and a great dad. Unlike Mistianna, when I’m presented with a gift, I acknowledge it, but it rarely makes me feel loved. Early in our marriage, that baffled her. Mistianna didn’t understand why I wasn’t elated over a new shirt or a new pair of shoes. Nor did she understand how much her compliments impacted me. When she praises me for a homily I have given or comments on how nice I look, I feel confident and well loved. And when she calls me her “Knight in Shining Armor,” I feel important, appreciated and good about myself. Her words matter to me.
Mistianna: It took years before I realized how much my words impacted Derrick. My “helpful” feedback wasn’t helpful. Even though my intention was to help Derrick be his best self, I often made him feel unloved, unappreciated and unworthy. I’d comment on what he was wearing, and suggest he needed to change. I thought I was being helpful because I wanted him to look his best. BUT I WASN’T. My comments shook his confidence and hurt him deeply. Sadly, it didn’t only happen with what he wore; it happened when I didn’t show appreciation for the time and effort he gave to fixing things around the house — mulching the flower beds or filling my car with gas. Because I didn’t understand Derrick’s love language, I didn’t understand the power of my words. I didn’t understand that by “helping” Derrick become his best self, I was destroying him. And that was a problem.
Deacon Derrick: I know receiving gifts is Mistianna’s love language, but I didn’t understand how hurtful not receiving them was until Valentine’s Day of 2020. I’d had a hard day at work and was unable to leave for lunch. On my lunch break, I had planned to buy Mistianna flowers, a card and a small Valentine’s Day gift. Since my day was a disaster, I decided to go home, tell Mistianna I loved her and then go back out and buy her Valentine’s Day gifts. THAT WAS A MISTAKE! When I got home, Mistianna showered me with gifts. When I told her I still needed to get hers, she was crushed. My failure to love my wife in her love language devastated her. It took months before she felt like she was important to me, again. Here’s the bottom line: Figure out your partner’s “Love Language” and love them in that language. If you don’t, you’ll end up speaking to each other in a foreign tongue and not in the language of love.
Deacon Derrick and Mistianna Barnes are the Marriage Prep Coordinators for the Archdiocese of Louisville. They created the Marriage Ministry Program at St. Margaret Mary Church.
